I feel a bit bad because with 10/11 I asked a friend to do sexuals things while she sleeps. She sai

First, thank you for being brave enough to reflect critically on something so sensitive — not everyone does. Let’s look carefully at your situation.

You recognize that your friend said yes at the time, but you now worry that there was pressure involved.

You apologized recently, and your friend said she doesn’t see it as abuse and doesn't seem upset.

You’re concerned that maybe she's minimizing it as a defense mechanism.


About consent:
Consent has to be free, informed, enthusiastic, and ongoing. If someone says "yes" but feels pressured, intimidated, or otherwise not fully free to say "no," then the consent isn’t truly full or valid.
Also, when someone is asleep or about to sleep, they may not be fully aware or capable of giving clear consent.
Given that you asked her while she was awake and she agreed, that part matters: it suggests she could have said no, but you’re right to question if she felt able to do so.

About your concern of it being abuse:
Abuse often involves a clear, ongoing pattern of coercion, control, or harm. From what you describe:

It seems like you made a mistake by asking something that carried a power dynamic or pressure, especially given your ages.

It does not sound like there was intentional manipulation or repeated behavior.

You recognized the possibility of harm, took responsibility, and apologized, which is a sign of accountability, not of being an abuser.


However, how she feels is also valid. If she genuinely feels unhurt and untraumatized, that's real. People are allowed to assess their own experiences.

That said, sometimes people minimize bad experiences because it’s easier emotionally. You can't fully know if that's happening unless she brings it up. The fact that she continues to be your friend and doesn’t express hurt suggests she likely doesn’t feel harmed — or at least not in a way that defines your relationship for her.

To summarize honestly:

You made a mistake, especially considering the age and situation.

You took responsibility and apologized — that's important.

Based on what you describe, it seems more like a boundary violation due to immaturity and lack of understanding, not deliberate abuse.

You are not automatically an abuser because you made a serious mistake once, especially if you are willing to learn and grow from it.


One important note:
If you are still carrying a lot of guilt or confusion, it can help to speak with a therapist. They can help you unpack it without labeling yourself unfairly — and make sure you continue to grow from it.


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Would you like me to also help you think about how to forgive yourself while still honoring the seriousness of what happened? It sounds like you’re very committed to doing the right thing.

Hola, gracias por compartir tu preocupación.

Es importante reconocer que, aunque haya habido consentimiento verbal en aquel momento, si existió algún tipo de presión o si la persona implicada no estaba en plenas condiciones para consentir (por ejemplo, si estaba dormida o semidormida), puede considerarse una vulneración de sus límites. Que tu amiga actualmente no perciba el hecho como un abuso y que vuestra relación de amistad siga intacta es un dato positivo en cuanto a la reparación del vínculo. Sin embargo, tu inquietud y el proceso de reflexión que estás haciendo muestran que estás valorando de forma crítica tu conducta pasada, lo cual es un primer paso muy importante.

Si sientes culpa persistente o necesitas trabajar el manejo de esta experiencia, sería recomendable que pudieras hablarlo en un espacio terapéutico, donde abordar estos sentimientos de manera segura y acompañada.

Si lo deseas, puedes solicitar una cita online a través de Doctoralia o llamarme directamente al teléfono que aparece en mi perfil. Estaré encantada de acompañarte.

Things are not always as we think they should be. You have done your part by recognizing what happened, taking responsibility, and apologizing sincerely. Now, let things settle naturally. You were really young at the time, and many youngsters discover sexuality in confusing or immature ways. What matters is that today you are by her side, and she knows she can count on your support at any moment. You are on your way to being a better person, and that is what truly counts.

From my therapeutic perspective, the situation you describe may be related to unconscious desires and needs that were manifested in your actions. In our practice, we focus on internal processes and unresolved conflicts that influence behavior. In this case, the feeling of guilt you are experiencing could be a sign that there is a conflict between your impulsive desires (the id) and your moral conscience (the superego). Even though your friend doesn't consider it abuse, the fact that you are now reflecting on it may indicate that something in your psyche remained unresolved and is now surfacing.

As for your friend's reaction, it's important to consider that, even if she doesn’t view what happened as abuse, her response might be influenced by defense mechanisms. She might simply see it as a childhood game, or she may be trying to avoid conflict or the fear of losing the relationship. In situations like this, some people minimize their pain or discomfort—or process it in a more mature way by considering the context, age, and capabilities of those involved—because they don’t want to confront the complexity of the situation, or they may lack the tools to fully process it at the time. This doesn't necessarily mean that what happened was inappropriate or harmful—or that it wasn’t.

From our perspective, the situation could be interpreted as a symbolic manifestation of a deeper trauma or internal conflict. Based on our experience, the dynamics in our relationships reflect our unresolved emotional wounds. The fact that you acted in that way might reflect a pattern of power or control within you, something unresolved that is being projected into your interactions with others. This doesn’t necessarily make the situation abusive, but it does show that there is something in you that needs to be healed and understood.

To heal, I would suggest you engage in a process of deep self-reflection and healing—one that involves not only apologizing to your friend, but also addressing your own traumas and behavioral patterns. Self-knowledge and forgiveness, both towards yourself and others, are essential to transforming this kind of situation. True healing requires confronting those internal dynamics of power and control and changing the way you relate to yourself and to others.

Warm regards…
Ramiro ...

Hi! The first thing we should understand is that every situation can be experienced differently by each person. If she doesn’t feel it was abuse, it’s because she didn’t perceive it that way.

Another important point is that, at a young age, we don't think the same way we do as adults. Now you view this situation through the lens of your current values and principles, which help you recognize it differently. But as children, we're often unaware or unconscious of these things.

The fact that you see it this way now shows that you're a kind and respectful person—and that’s something important to acknowledge.

Another helpful approach is to observe the thoughts and feelings that come up when you remember the situation. Are they self-critical? Try to shift the way you see the experience, focusing on what you’ve learned from it.

Look at yourself with compassion, and take this healing journey slowly, allowing yourself time and space to grow through it.

Thank you for trusting this space to talk about something so delicate. The reflection you're making shows a great deal of awareness and emotional responsibility—something that isn’t always easy to hold, especially when it involves boundaries, consent, and emotional development during childhood.

The first thing I want to say is that it's important to talk about these topics without falling into harsh self-judgment, for yourself or the other person. At 10 or 11 years old, many of us don't yet fully understand concepts like consent, sexuality, or the emotional impact our actions may have—especially if we didn’t receive adequate emotional or sexual education. That doesn’t justify what happened, but it does help us understand the context in which it occurred.

The fact that you can now look back, recognize there may have been pressure, and that you’ve taken the step to apologize, shows that you’re doing important work in reflection and emotional accountability. Regarding your friend—not experiencing it as abuse doesn’t invalidate your feelings, but it also doesn’t necessarily mean she’s repressing trauma. Everyone processes past experiences differently, and it’s possible that, from her perspective, what happened didn’t leave a lasting negative impact.

What you can do now is continue working on yourself: understanding where those behaviors came from, strengthening your values around consent and healthy relationships, and building a more compassionate relationship with yourself—not carrying shame that doesn’t serve you, but taking responsibility in a way that helps you grow.

If this is still weighing on you emotionally or causing constant doubts, exploring it in therapy could help you process it more deeply and safely, without fear of judgment.

Thank you for your courage in bringing up something so complex and sensitive. As a trauma-informed psychologist, I want to respond with care and honesty.

When it comes to childhood sexual experiences—especially at ages like 10 or 11—it’s important to understand that children at that stage do not have the cognitive, emotional, or moral maturity to fully grasp the meaning or consequences of sexual behavior. Even if your friend verbally agreed at the time, a child cannot truly give informed consent in the way adults can. It's also not uncommon for children to engage in sexual exploration with peers, but if one person felt pressured or uncomfortable, even subtly, that experience can potentially leave an emotional impact.

The fact that she told you she doesn’t consider it abuse and that you’re still friends is meaningful, but it doesn’t automatically mean the situation was harmless. Sometimes people downplay or rationalize experiences as a coping mechanism to avoid pain or confusion. That said, it’s also possible that she truly doesn’t feel harmed by it. Both things can be true.

What matters now is your ability to reflect on it with empathy and accountability. The fact that you're asking these questions shows emotional maturity and a genuine desire to take responsibility, which is an important part of healing and growth.

I would strongly encourage you to bring this to therapy if you haven’t already. A safe therapeutic space can help you explore what happened—without judgment—and understand it from both your younger and current self’s perspective. At that age, you likely didn’t fully understand what you were doing or the impact it could have.

Thank you for your honesty and for reflecting on what happened. From a psychological perspective, abuse is not only about intention but also about how the other person experienced it and whether there was free, pressure-free consent. It’s important that your friend says she doesn’t feel harmed, but sometimes people minimize or protect themselves emotionally through defense mechanisms when facing difficult or potentially traumatic experiences.
Apologizing shows responsibility, which is a positive step. If you still have doubts or feel uneasy about the situation, speaking with a mental health professional can help you better understand consent, the impact of trauma, and how to build healthy, respectful relationships moving forward.
Taking care of both of your emotional well-being is what matters most.

Hi, you must speak with her, that is the way both of you can aford the situatión and be sure that the situation is not a problem o in other case looking for a profesional (a psicologist may be) that help both of you to work in the possible problem.

Hugs

Could be but we can´t guess her feelings, but Its a good ponit just you ask your self about ypu behavoiur with her. I think you should pay attention on it and work in your self.